T-Minus Any Frickin' Day Now - The Baby!

"Lets Just Drive" (lets-just-drive) 11/01/2013 at 22:27 • Filed to: RANTS

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Hi Oppo,

Yeah, I haven't checked in much recently outside of a few inane and helpful comments here and there. There's a reason for that and it's got to do with the alien growing inside of my wife.

Many of you Opponauts probably know, because I've been relating it to virtually any substantive posts of late, that I'm about to become a Daddy for the first time. The due date is just days away, but who knows... Babies are about as predictable as high-speed forklift racing.

And because fuck reddit, and because fuck imgur, this is the community I prefer to share my sappy family news with. Also because racecar. So, I'll let you know, by way of maybe sharing a picture of my butt-ass ugly kid with y'all.

Speaking of ugly babies:

The first picture, the wing was so ugly it made my iPhone sneeze. So I went around the back to catch another shot and guess what I saw?

A vanity plate that says, "I'm going to be single forever. Look out, prostitutes and hookers, because I'm putting your illegitimate children through school!"

And on my way to work today, was tailed by an E24 M6. The thing was clean and pristine. Between the two of our go-pedals we were able to make enough room, together, that we made excellent time on our shared commute which brought me to thinking; screw carpooling, everyone should find a tandem drive partner. It's amazing how much of a difference it makes, driving with likeminded drivers. Imagine a whole pack! And then on motorcycles because lane splitting! And, look out for that Ran Over! BREAK HIS ASS!

So, I haven't been sleeping much.

Okay, to be fair, my very pregnant wife hasn't been letting me sleep much. My cohesion isn't that cohesive and I'm afraid it will only get worse in the coming months, so three cheers for Oppo since you'll all likely get to witness my downward spiral in literal fashion. Get it? Literary? Literal?

Fine, I don't like your new floormats.

Speaking of being exhausted, and floormats, look at what I did to my oil pan! Okay, not my pan, crappy piece of aluminium. AL LOO MIN EEE UM! Let me explain that it's not entirely my fault. Some of the fault lies with the shop I let change my oil last time because I was lazy. Don't trust shops for oil changes, you dickheads! I jacked up the car after jacking off my... and then was like, "Dayum son!" (My car is black). Because this fucked up bung was staring me in the eye. It was just saying, screaming with spittle spewing in my face, "Fuck your day, Massa!"

I'm not racist. I'm dropping the slave metaphor.

Aaaaanyway...

I thought, "You should double wrench that shit." And then I thought, "Naw, I'm invincible bitches!" Like, how was I to know the dork at the shop had over tightened the thing? I mean, outside of the fact that the head worn more bare then my own head what with Preggo Wife being all like, "You did this to me and you want me to do what?" And I'm like, "You're already knocked up! It can't get worse!"

That made it worse. Oh so worse.

So I slipped the box end over. Ooops. Too fucked. Won't fit. FORCE IT !

Slip. Woop. Slam. Ow!

Lesson? Don't let a shop do work you know you should be doing yourself because they know what that means - it means you don't give a fuck anyway so why the fuck should they?

After seeing Ford, and my friend at Ford who likes to play with my bum, by which I mean my wallet, the bung was replaced, the oil drained and new stuff fed in. The filter, too... because I'm rich like Jesus and Ghandi combined. (Huh? They were poor ?!)

My guy was like, "Here's the bill." And I was like, "Here's my ass," while I crawled under the Pony to make damn sure no shenanigans were at play. He's all, "We like your car." And we start talking Mustangs. I'm like, "Oh no you don't, slick." And I check the oil, and my new filter too. He says, "It's expensive because we do give a fuck."

Always give a fuck guys.

I need food. Or sleep. Or maybe pills.

- The First Rule of Pregnancy Club is; don't have a dick.

dogisbadob > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 22:30

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I didn't know that E36 sunroofs were glass! I thought they were metal

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 22:33

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SOON...
A new stiglet shall be born into this world. Welcome the new babe as it will be tender and mild, shit never mind, this isn't Foodspin. But also that poor E36, a single tear runith down my cheek.

Lets Just Drive > dogisbadob 11/01/2013 at 22:41

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What you cannot see in that picture is the giant Adidas logo on said sunroof.

Lets Just Drive > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 11/01/2013 at 22:43

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orcim > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 22:45

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Owie. Owie!

You bring up a good point. Service stations (oil changers) that don't give a fuck, because, they don't understand what actually keeps them in business. A old proverb comes to mind: "Business is something, if you don't have, you go out of."

I *can't* find a oil changer that will do what I want in my marketplace (too small, not enough pressure.) But my old oil changer used t0 Amsoil my ass, then synthetic it, then school me on period replacement *relentlessly*. Fuck that sucked (at the time), and he was right on since other people with the same model lost their functionality way before me. So glad I paid attention and didn't trigger, bow up and ignore advice (Leave it to a an ex-race driver turned mechanic to advise.)

Lets Just Drive > orcim 11/01/2013 at 22:53

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Here, lube and oil joints stay in business based on one fact and one fact alone; most people who own cars couldn't care less about them. That is to say, they couldn't care less how their vehicle operates or why it looks the way it looks so long as it works and looks good. That's the vast majority of the car buying public right there.

These people cannot be bothered to understand how their cellular phone works. They cannot be bothered to learn basic computer structure and operation. So they obviously aren't going to take an interest in changing their own oil or fluids. In the same way they'll gladly pay for a service they don't understand, they'd rather have some lowly grease monkey climb under their car rather then do the work themselves. Consumers.

That's why heads get stripped, why inferior oil gets used, why filters aren't fitted well and on and on - they know these people don't give a fuck, and so long as there aren't any flashy danger warnings on their dash, they couldn't care less if they're using recycled oil with metal flakes in being pumped through the same filter you brought the car in with.

Sadly, it's endemic of society as a whole - we're just not invested in the things upon which we depend for our every day lives because there's Facebook and Game Of Thrones to be concerned about.

Turner950s > dogisbadob 11/01/2013 at 22:57

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I've seen e24s with glass sunroofs. The more you know.

Edit: AN e24. One.

dogisbadob > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 22:57

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fitting for a sporty car, right? :p

Lets Just Drive > dogisbadob 11/01/2013 at 23:03

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groan

orcim > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:13

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Ah ya. The Distraction Theory of Life. I know it well. It took 10 years to overcome it in my case before I could start, *start*, perceiving differently.

I work to figure out what it would take to affect the mainstream and come up with other options: it's not easy.

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:14

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Lets Just Drive > orcim 11/01/2013 at 23:21

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A wise man once suggested that to truly create anything, you must first destroy everything.

That's a start.

Run with it.

Lets Just Drive > phenotyp 11/01/2013 at 23:23

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When I show my kid "Office Space" for the first time, do you think it'll be like when I saw whatever boring piece of crap my parents loved and wanted to share with me but I was too young to appreciate that old shit and was like, "What the fuck is this shit?"?

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:29

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I hope both not and so.

I mean, I hope that idea is so dead and gone that they can't relate to the context. I also hope that people have jobs that they go to.

And for me it's a pretty complicated thing because of the time when I first saw it and the difference between then and now. The CRTs are kind of a trigger. And no one now knows who the fuck Michael Bolton is, and why he's the one who sucks.

Lets Just Drive > phenotyp 11/01/2013 at 23:31

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Those are very good points which prove that movies like this are really part of the popular culture and who knows if any of what's popular now, or was then, will be in the future.

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:34

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PC load letter?

what the fuck does that mean?

Lets Just Drive > phenotyp 11/01/2013 at 23:41

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One of the Bobs: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:44

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Hey Peter, man! Turn it to channel nine!

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/01/2013 at 23:47

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This is the same thing that dates Seinfeld, right? Like 90% of Seinfeld episodes wouldn't have happened if they had cellphones.
Or, as kids these days say, "phones."

Dunnik > Lets Just Drive 11/02/2013 at 00:29

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Gigantic spoiler on an E36 318i? Seems legit.

Lets Just Drive > Dunnik 11/02/2013 at 01:03

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Civic with huge wing? Acceptable. Because wrong or rice.

BMW 318i with _______ ? Also acceptable because E36 318 = pretty meh.

Lets Just Drive > phenotyp 11/02/2013 at 01:06

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I hate you.

Now I'll never be able to watch another episode of my favorite 90's sitcom because I'll always be thinking, "If they just had cell phones..."

You know that Cannot Be Unseen meme? Yeah. Fuck you.

LOL

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/02/2013 at 01:08

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Fuck you very much, Tyler Durden.

Lets Just Drive > phenotyp 11/02/2013 at 01:09

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It's not a threat to you.

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/02/2013 at 01:10

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.........

phenotyp > Lets Just Drive 11/02/2013 at 01:13

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Cue Bernie Mac: I ain't scared of you motherfuckers.